How to Stop The Cycle of Feeling Undeserving
Using Self-Compassion to Conquer Excuses, Accomplish Goals, and Master Emotions to Live a Life Full of Love, Success, and Purpose.
Once in a while, we all experience emotions we know are wrong, but we still can’t them shake off. Feeling unworthy of good, positive events is one of these nagging, harmful attitudes. Many times, we believe we don’t deserve to achieve certain things even before we achieve them. Consequently, we sometimes become too discouraged to even try, missing out on incredible opportunities. The belief of being unworthy may also come after we have achieved certain milestones, which builds up a level of guilt that prevents us from aiming higher.
Significant improvements in our lives such as getting a promotion at work, meeting a fantastic life partner, or winning life-changing awards can often feel too good to be true and that we especially do not deserve them. These feelings also may be a result from the fact there are many other people – some of whom you know – who tried to achieve the same milestone but did not. You also may feel an action or decision from your past makes you undeserving. In order to overcome these determinantal and self-sabotaging emotions, we first must consider what may have gotten us here.
Imposter Syndrome and its Solutions
Imposter Syndrome is the common term used to describe the feeling of being unworthy. It makes us doubt our skills, talents, and accomplishments, making us feel like a fraud, with the constant internal fear of being exposed eventually.
But how do we overcome this feeling?
How do we develop a level of confidence that makes us feel deserving of our skills, talents, and most importantly, our accomplishments?
Take a look at some practical solutions to help guide you:
Being Kind to Yourself
First and foremost, we need to stop being so hard on ourselves. Self-compassion is one of the very toughest self-care steps to master. But it is at the root of our feeling useless. We are our own toughest critic, always focusing on what we could have done better. We compare ourselves to others and use this measurement as further justification to hold ourselves up to impossible standards. We then self-loathe and eventually undermine our own happiness. But this is a choice. You can choose to stop the cycle. Be kind to yourself. Look in the mirror. Start to recognize the signs you are suffering and feeling worthless. Take time to reflect on why, when, or how these feelings started. Direct yourself away from self-limiting and destructive thought processes by mediating, getting a massage, journaling, or simply taking a walk. You must take some responsibility and set your mind right, not allowing yourself to be a paralyzed victim to circumstance.
Letting Go of Fear and Doubt
Secondly, we need to realize that “fear” and “doubt” are more powerful than we can imagine. When they have been allowed to linger in our minds, they become more rooted and affect practically every aspect of our thinking. Our actions then become filled with fear and doubt, and we ultimately fail to achieve our full potential. To avoid this, we must eliminate every form of fear and doubt developing in our minds as early as possible. They lead to low self-esteem, making us feel unfit for positivity. Yet low self-esteem doesn’t just happen to us, it grows over time. Once we allow ourselves start to feel less confident and assured, we indirectly nurture this feeling day by day, till it begins to manifest outwardly. Before we even begin a task or endeavor, we already believe that we will likely not succeed because we simply do not deserve to. The longer you allow fear and doubt to grow in your mind, the worse it becomes, and the more unworthy we feel. It’s time to take control and will yourself into being proactive and productive. You can and will accomplish more.
Recognizing It’s Only “In Your Head”
Next, we must realize that these feelings of being unequal and inadequate all exist in the mind and are absolutely not real. Many of us know this, but we somehow seem to forget at the most crucial times. It is important that we constantly remind ourselves how intangible they are anytime we find ourselves harboring these kinds of feelings. They are not real, they exist only in the mind, and they have nothing to do with who you truly are. They only become powerful if you allow them stay long enough to grow and affect your thinking, mind-set, and eventually, your actions. Only you can dictate what stays circling and repeating inside your mind.
Then, we should also realize that we ARE enough as individuals. The feeling of not being enough is another unfortunate factor that prevents people from reaching their true potential. We try to “complete” ourselves with many external factors because we feel unequal with others. New tattoos, hair colors, new cars, new hobbies, moving out, moving in, you name it. While these are positive actions which could be taken as ways of expressing ourselves or living our lives to the fullest, we should not engage in them for the wrong reasons. Changing your hair color because you think it makes you equal to your naturally blonde colleague or getting a tattoo so you are regarded hip enough by your friends won’t fulfill you the way you think it might. Any satisfaction you feel will be fleeting. Eventually, you simply recognize these actions as temporary fillers, and the previous feeling of being empty and inadequate will likely return in no time. Making these changes in our lives are steps we should do because we really want to, not because we believe they add to our person or make us more complete. We can be powerful, purposeful, and praiseworthy.
Additionally, when we have an authentic belief in our efforts, we start to conquer fear and doubt, seamlessly raising our self-esteem. Whenever we exert a certain level of energies to achieve a particular goal, it is important to have expectations. Having expectations gives you something to look forward to, a result of your efforts. It prepares your mind for the achievement you will earn or attain. Many modern psychologists report that self-esteem is determined by our expectations and achievements, making it all the more important to give yourself that boost in confidence only gained from realizing goals you believed you could achieve. With whatever endeavor we set our minds to, we should expect that our labors will yield something positive at the end – which is the primary reason why we invested our time and energy in the first place. Usually, it is when we do not expect to achieve something positive that we feel unworthy after we succeed. Think about it this way; when you apply your talents and skills into achieving something, why then do you doubt the outcome of your hard work? Doubting your achievements would be much more understandable if you hadn’t cared enough to honestly try. So, push forward and claim the success have every right to expect, target, and achieve.
Accepting the Unexpected
Finally, we often feel unworthy when good things happen to us unexpectedly. For example, having an amazing spouse or partner come into your life or being gifted with something extraordinary by friends may seem almost unfair because, unlike other achievements, we cannot trace the efforts that directly led to these things coming our way. These are the times we need to channel or acknowledge our self-esteem, allowing ourselves to bear the fruit of cosmic positivity. Sometimes the universe simply pays you back. The ways in which you have lived your life over the years, related with friends, family, and strangers, treated your colleagues and business partners are all important elements in directing the general course of your life. They determine how you are treated by others and the kinds of experiences you have with them. So, when an amazing and wonderful ‘kiss’ happens to you out of the blue, think about the million and one good things you have done to others in the past and let that thought and realization make you feel worthy.